Godzilla attack!

Today was the first day of my weekend, and I had one mission - find Godzilla. My Lonely Planet guide book said he'd been spotted harassing old ladies in Ginza, so I ate a hearty breakfast, packed a bag of ammunition (and a muesli bar in case I got hungry), paid the Y230 required and boarded the steel chariot that would take me to my destiny.

I arrived at Ginza expecting scenes of carnage, buildings toppling down, overturned and destroyed cars everywhere, and instead I was faced with an even more shocking sight - high class stores selling things I could never hope to afford! Ginza is for Tokyo what Park Avenue is for New York - loads of big name designer stores, all of which made me feel like such a bogan as I walked into them.


One of the first stores I saw as I emerged from the underground gave me the resolve to continue my quest - I realised that there were some stores that needed protecting! (If only so that a certain Miss Vuittonaholic could visit them if she ever came to Tokyo!) I briefly visited the store, and contemplated purchasing some Y140000 (AU$1400) shoes.... then realised how ridiculous that would be, and how many pairs of equally-as-good looking shoes I could buy for the same price....


But I had more important matters at hand. For a few minutes I thought my quest to find Godzilla was all but over - the beast had left no trail of destruction for me to follow. And then I spotted it - the beast liked fruit...

Seeing that half-eaten apple shocked me out of my daze, and the hunt was on again! For an hour I stalked the streets of Ginza, looking for clues as to his location. At one stage I thought I may have seen him disappear into a music store, and so went inside to investigate further. No sign of the Zill-meister (as he's commonly referred to, by me), but I did find a Bösendorfer piano - I tried to take a photo but one of the staff politely gestured for me not to. So with a quick "gomennasai" I was off again!

Things were getting de-desperate, as every street I turned down yielded no clues, no enormous footprints, not even a half-devoured human who, with their dying breath could have whispered the Zill-meister's location (which to be true, wouldn't have helped given my lack of understanding of Nihon-go). Through a series of trials involving paddles and swollen asses I managed to procure an ancient map marking the site of his nest, however given the fact that Japanese streets have no names, this proved somewhat useless.

Just as I'd given up all hope of finding the great lizard, I stumbled (as often happens in these situations). As I picked up my belongings, I realised that my breathing had suddenly become a lot louder, and somewhat fishier... "How odd" I thought... then I looked up, only to find myself staring into the terrifying jaws of the monster!



For what seemed like an eternity I was too terrified to move - had all my training (I did sit through all of the 1998 remake) been for nothing? I reached into my bag for my weapons, then remembered that in my desire to look fashionable I'd brought my ultra-hip laptop satchel, and not my backpack, and all I could fit in it was my phrase book!! Curses!

I was determined to show the beast I wasn't scared, and so gathering up all my courage, I opened my phrase book and roared the first phrase I found: "DENGENPURAGU O KUDASAI!!!!!"

I'm not sure whether it was the fact that I'm still missing half my voice and so my manly roar sounded more like a slightly boyish shout, or that the phrase I'd picked translates as "I'd like to buy an adaptor plug", but in any case, the G-man wasn't phased (if maybe a little puzzled), and he proceeded to advance on me.

I'd now lost all hope - in preparation for my digestion I set my iPod to play what I thought would be my last song - Tori's hypnotic voice came drifting out of my headphones "surrender, then start your engines" - oh how apt, except for the fact I had no engines to start, part of the reason I was in this situation...

The beast stood menacingly over me... saliva dripped down, saturating me as I literally shook in my boots... with a horrendous roar the beast opened his massive jaw (duh).....

All of a sudden, I heard a heroic cry -

"MEEMEEEMEEEEMEEEEMEEEEEE!!!!!"

I looked up to see my rescuer staring down the mutant lizard!


With another heroic "MEEMEEMEEMEEEEEEEEEE" Beaker leapt atop Godzilla's great spiky back, displaying a nimbleness and strength never before seen in a muppet his size. He grabbed hold of a spine, and while the great monster roared and shook in outrage, Beaker held his position.

"Oh no!" I thought, "He'll be thrown for sure! He can't possibly hold for much longer!!"...

Well I won't bore you with the details of what happened next, but 20 minutes later the beast was tamed, with Beaker riding him like a carnival pony!


Uttering a few words of command, Beaker leapt down from the G'meister's back, landing beside me on the pavement.

"The beast has now sworn to protect this city" he said, as he wiped the blood from where a great claw had ripped into his muscular upper arm. "Now, let us depart, we are needed elsewhere".

And we left Ginza, confident that the city was now in safe hands. I took a final glance at Godzilla, now Protector of Ginza, before stepping into the darkness of the subway.